Creating Healthy Communication Boundaries

When you have children together you are typically supposed to co-parent with your ex after divorce or splitting up.  “Co-parenting” stands for “cooperative parenting” or making mutual decisions together and working towards common goals for the benefit of your child(ren).

However, if your ex is abusive, coercive or suffers from a personality disorder, co-parenting can become an impossible and oftentimes unsafe feat.  Many of my clients look for guidance in communicating with a difficult ex.  Here are some tips that I regularly suggest:

1. Use a co-parenting communication website.  Talking Parents and AppClose are free options, but do not filter conversations.  Our Family Wizard provides communication filtering called “ToneMeter” for $149.99/year, but messages are filtered by a computer algorithm, so some unwanted messages may get through.  Civil Communicator is the gold standard, as every message is read and reviewed by real people, but also the most costly option at $65/month or an annual payment of $395/year.  However, if your ex is regularly aggressive in communications, you can request the Court order them to be responsible for the cost.

   
   

   One of the best features about using a co-parenting communication website is that it gives you the ability to choose when you review messages from your co-parent rather than texts which show up immediately on your phone and can quickly derail your day.  I recommend my clients not have the app set up to alert you immediately when there are new messages, but instead to check once a day when they are in their best mental health space. 

   
   

   These services also show you when your ex reviews a message, even if they do not respond, so they cannot claim they did not receive your email or text.  They are also easier to authenticate and get into evidence at hearing.

   
   

2. Use the “BIFF” method when communicating.  “BIFF” stands for “brief, informative, friendly and firm.”  There is a series of books written about this topic, which can be found here.

   
   

3. Employ the “gray rock” method.  The gray rock method involves setting boundaries around communication so you don’t invite unwanted or unnecessary discussions.  Learn more about this communication method here.

   
   

4. Consider parallel parenting.  While co-parenting is the default in Colorado, sometimes parallel parenting is a safer and more effective method.  Parallel parenting refers to the parties both parenting in their own ways in their own homes with little to no co-operation or communication, running their homes as two parallel lines that never intersect.  You can take an online parallel parenting class or order a parallel parenting workbook here.

   
   

   Unfortunately children create an ongoing link between you and your ex that lasts, in most situations, until your children turn 18.  As such, it is important to set up firm boundaries that work for you and stick to them to ensure your communications are as stress-free and productive as possible. 

   For more information about setting up communication-related boundaries with your ex, feel free to schedule a consultation or client meeting by emailing admin@boeckxlaw.com or calling us at (720) 689-2885.

Colorado Courts Recognize Coercive Control as Abuse

A few years ago, my client was testifying when opposing counsel objected as to "relevance." In response to the objection, I stated that my client was eliciting examples of coercive control, which is a form of domestic violence. The court responded "I don't know what that is" and opposing counsel agreed. I was shocked and appalled.

I am a huge advocate for victims of domestic violence ("DV"), having been a victim of DV myself. I estimate that at least 80% of my clients are victims of some form of DV. For the family court to have never even heard of the term "coercive control" was extremely concerning because not all DV is obvious, like a black eye after being hit. Nonetheless, mental and emotional abuse, such as coercive control, can be just as damaging for victims, if not worse. Common tactics involve gaslighting and isolation, in which the victim is led to believe that they caused or deserve the abuse, while simultaneously being cut off from their support system and therefore, are unable to seek help.

I was greatly relieved to learn that as of August 7, 2024 the legislature added coercive control to the definitions section of the best interests of the child statute (C.R.S. § 14-10-124), which now states as follows:

(I.3)(a) "Coercive control" means a pattern of threatening, humiliating, or intimidating actions, including assaults or other abuse, that is used to harm, punish, or frighten an individual. "Coercive control" includes a pattern of behavior that takes away the individual's liberty or freedom and strips away the individual's sense of self, including the individual's bodily integrity and human rights. "Coercive control" includes isolating the individual from support, exploiting the individual, depriving the individual of independence, and regulating the individual's everyday behavior. "Coercive control" includes, but is not limited to, any of the following:

(I) Isolating the individual from friends and family;

(II) Monitoring, surveilling, regulating, or controlling the individual's, or the individual's child's or relative's, finances, economic resources, or access to services;

(III) Monitoring, surveilling, regulating, or controlling the individual's, or the individual's child's or relative's, activities, communications, or movements, including through technology;

(IV) Name-calling, degrading, or demeaning the individual, or the individual's child or relative, on a frequent basis;

(V) Threatening to harm or kill the individual or the individual's child or relative, including wearing, accessing, displaying, using, or cleaning a weapon in an intimidating or threatening manner;

(VI) Threatening to commit suicide or otherwise harm one's own person, when used as a method of coercion, control, punishment, intimidation, or retaliation against the person;

(VII) Threatening to harm or kill an animal with which the individual or the individual's child or relative has an emotional bond;

(VIII) Threatening to publish the individual's, or the individual's child's or relative's, sensitive personal information, including sexually explicit material, or make reports to the police or authorities;

(IX) Damaging the individual's, or the individual's child's or relative's, property or household goods;

(X) Threatening the individual, or the individual's child or relative, with deportation or contacting authorities based on perceived or actual immigration status, withholding essential documents required for immigration, or threatening to withdraw or interfere with an active immigration application or process; or

(XI) Forcing the individual, or the individual's child or relative, to take part in criminal activities or child abuse.

The statute now requires that "if the court orders unsupervised parenting time for a parent, and there is any information, including an accusation by a child, that the parent has committed domestic violence, child abuse, or child sexual abuse, or if the parent is accused by the child of domestic violence, child abuse, child sexual abuse, child emotional abuse, or coercive control, the court shall make a statement in writing or orally on the proceeding record regarding why unsupervised parenting time for the parent was determined to be in the best interests of the child with paramount consideration given to the child's safety and the physical, mental, and emotional conditions and needs of the child." C.R.S. § 14-10-124(9).

While the Courts still have a long way to go in addressing domestic violence, this is a great step forward for victims in Colorado as now all domestic relations judges will be aware of the elements and potential effects of coercive control.

Choosing Good Witnesses

You have the opportunity to call witnesses and present evidence at most hearings. But how do you know who is a good witness for your case?

There are two main kinds of witnesses in family law matters, lay witnesses and experts. Lay witnesses are people who can testify about their personal observations but typically cannot share their opinions. Expert witnesses can share opinions based on their expertise but are required to author a report disclosing those opinions and the information they relied on to reach that opinion ahead of time. See C.R.C.P. 26.

Expert reports are typically due 56 days prior to hearing and rebuttal reports are due 35 days prior to hearing. Expert witnesses typically charge fees to conduct an investigation, author a report and testify in court. Such fees can range from a few hundred dollars to tens of thousands depending on the credentials of the witness.

Many people call family members and significant others as lay witnesses, but these individuals are often overly supportive and clearly biased. It is, however, important to call family or significant others if they have leant you money, to testify about financial support they are providing you (such as paying your attorney's fees) and authenticate promissory notes. Letters from family and friends are not typically admissible under the hearsay rules, witnesses need to appear in court and testify to be considered.

The best lay witnesses are typically those who have observed both parties (and the children) and have no reason to be biased, such as teachers, coaches, child care providers, etc. Eyewitnesses who observed material issues are also important.

If you are claiming domestic violence, individuals who witnessed the violence can be a helpful, such as roommates, friends or the police if they were called to the scene. Police reports are hearsay and typically inadmissible unless the officer who wrote them is available to testify or they are properly authenticated.

If you are addressing financial records, it is helpful to have a custodian of records testify about and authenticate statements. If you run your own business, your accountant or bookkeeper can be an important person to speak about the income and expenses associated with the business.

Therapists and doctors can become important witnesses as there is a hearsay exception for "statements for purposes of medical diagnosis or treatment." In other words, oftentimes doctors and therapists can testify about things a patient told them, although HIPAA-rights may be implicated. Professionals may also require an appearance fee at hearing as they cannot see other patients while they are testifying in court. Lay witnesses, on the other hand, usually only require payment for mileage necessary to travel to court.

In Colorado, you must typically disclose your witnesses 63 days in advance of hearing, filing a witness list with the court that includes the witness's name, address, phone number and a brief description of what they may testify to. Although you do not have to actually call everyone listed as a witness, you may be precluded from calling anyone not listed, so it is better to list anyone you think may have relevant information to your case.

You must subpoena any witnesses who do not agree to attend court voluntarily at least 48 hours prior to the hearing. A sheriff or private process server can deliver subpoenas to potential witnesses.

When considering who should be called as a witness in your case it is helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

• Does this person have personal and/or professional knowledge that is helpful to my case?

• Is this person credible or will they appear biased to the court?

• What expense is involved in calling this witness?

• How will calling this witness affect my relationship with them and others involved?

• Are they available to appear or do I need to file a motion so they can appear virtually?

• Do I have enough time to call these individuals as witnesses at hearing?

The main purpose of witnesses in family law cases are to provide testimony which supports your case and/or discredits the other party or to authenticate documents that would otherwise be considered hearsay.

In addition to full and unbundled representation, at Boeckx Law we also offer court counseling services and can help you in deciding who to call as a witness in your case and what questions to ask them. Call us today to get assistance on your case (720) 689-2885.