When you have children together you are typically supposed to co-parent with your ex after divorce or splitting up. “Co-parenting” stands for “cooperative parenting” or making mutual decisions together and working towards common goals for the benefit of your child(ren).
However, if your ex is abusive, coercive or suffers from a personality disorder, co-parenting can become an impossible and oftentimes unsafe feat. Many of my clients look for guidance in communicating with a difficult ex. Here are some tips that I regularly suggest:
Use a co-parenting communication website. Talking Parents and AppClose are free options, but do not filter conversations. Our Family Wizard provides communication filtering called “ToneMeter” for $149.99/year, but messages are filtered by a computer algorithm, so some unwanted messages may get through. Civil Communicator is the gold standard, as every message is read and reviewed by real people, but also the most costly option at $65/month or an annual payment of $395/year. However, if your ex is regularly aggressive in communications, you can request the Court order them to be responsible for the cost.
One of the best features about using a co-parenting communication website is that it gives you the ability to choose when you review messages from your co-parent rather than texts which show up immediately on your phone and can quickly derail your day. I recommend my clients not have the app set up to alert you immediately when there are new messages, but instead to check once a day when they are in their best mental health space.
These services also show you when your ex reviews a message, even if they do not respond, so they cannot claim they did not receive your email or text. They are also easier to authenticate and get into evidence at hearing.
Use the “BIFF” method when communicating. “BIFF” stands for “brief, informative, friendly and firm.” There is a series of books written about this topic, which can be found here.
Employ the “gray rock” method. The gray rock method involves setting boundaries around communication so you don’t invite unwanted or unnecessary discussions. Learn more about this communication method here.
Consider parallel parenting. While co-parenting is the default in Colorado, sometimes parallel parenting is a safer and more effective method. Parallel parenting refers to the parties both parenting in their own ways in their own homes with little to no co-operation or communication, running their homes as two parallel lines that never intersect. You can take an online parallel parenting class or order a parallel parenting workbook here.
Unfortunately children create an ongoing link between you and your ex that lasts, in most situations, until your children turn 18. As such, it is important to set up firm boundaries that work for you and stick to them to ensure your communications are as stress-free and productive as possible.
For more information about setting up communication-related boundaries with your ex, feel free to schedule a consultation or client meeting by emailing admin@boeckxlaw.com or calling us at (720) 689-2885.
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